I've identified a huge problem in custody arrangements. I suppose I will have to call it the "the problem of the broken promise." Now we have all done this. Actually if you're reading this newsletter you, like me, have broken a big promise, the marriage vow. The difference here is the kind of promise and the karmic repercussions of breaking it over and over. It is the custody promise. Hammering out custody arrangements often leaves you feeling that you have been physically and emotionally just that, hammered. For some of us they take a few months and I know from our readers that others can take years. However once you make an agreement, a promise if you will, you are supposed to keep it.

This is paramount because it teaches both you and your children that you are an honorable person and that even in the face of flagrantly flakey ex-spouse behavior you will still honor your custody promise. If you have the misfortune to have to go to court rather than settle outside with a mediator then you will stand before a judge. This official appointed by the state in which you have chosen to live by a country whose government you grew up swearing to uphold. Are you getting my bigger picture drift here? You swear in court that you will tell the truth, the judge reviews your case, he/she speaks to you, your lawyer, your ex, their lawyer and you will ultimately come to an agreement.

Here comes the promise part. You then sign and in effect swear before God and state to uphold that agreement. But divorce is hard, it brings with it enormous feelings of guilt. Everything from why did I marry this person in the first place to what am I going to do now that I have to share children with this nutcase. How will I protect them? This question is in the wrong place. You signed the agreement to protect them, to honor their relationships with both parents. If you were to honor your God, your state and yourself, then you need to honor your agreement. This where karma comes into play. If you sign this agreement and secretly wish in your head never to truly honor what it says, then you are destined for even more pain. Hoping that your unreliable ex will screw up again and you will get your kids and your money back, hoping that by working yourself into a frenzy (perhaps neglecting your battered ego and the work you need to do to rebuild) that you will show your kids and your family (who didn't like your ex anyway) that you are the better person, is wrong. It is wrong because of the (here it comes) agreement! If you really felt this way you should not have signed it.

Yes I know we were all exhausted and broke but if you weren't committed to what you signed you shouldn't have signed it. Sounds pretty basic doesn't it. However, many people do just that and continue to trash like some doomed fish on a hook to fight against what they have sworn to do. There are a lot of sayings for stuff like this. Such as& you made your bed now lie in it and you signed it, you own it (in California they have this about cars). Whatever the saying, the reality is the same.

Time to get off that painful fish hook, time to accept that karmicly your children have two parents and they will gain the experience, when you let them, to deal with the personalities of both, without your guilt or interference. They have come into what has been proven to be a rather tumultuous existence and you are their guide.

Honor your promises, your children and yourself.  There is an addendum to this. If your circumstances change or those of your ex, you need to go back to the system that created your custody and make sure that more equitable arrangements are made. You chose the system, honor it too.