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I met a man, 7 years ago now ...

I met a man, 7 years ago now, (on a trip investigating job possibilities) with whom I had a good rapport. I wasn't madly in love with him, but being in my early 30s, and receiving statements from him about how badly he wanted children, I decided it would be the "right thing" to do.

So I moved 2500 miles to be with him, and advance my career. I never really dreamed of having children, but being with my new companion made me think that it would be OK. I rationalized that, having children by a man who talked about having a family so much might give my offspring a good, solid, caring family. When I got pregnant, it was joyous. We prepared like 2 birds setting up their nest. I was really happy.

When I gave birth to our son and brought him home, the little guy never slept. I became totally exhausted and existed in a fog. This continued for several months, despite good pediatric care and what I considered to be caring, doting parents. Then, 4 months after the birth of my son, I found I was again pregnant. Our birth control had failed. My husband had become exhausted too & when I told him about the news, he got mad.

Life went on, me working full time as usual, and caring for our son. My husband began to complain about how he had no time for himself. How hectic life had become; how his "domain" was now gone. Me being pregnant, with a baby on my hip, I must admit, didn't soften me. I was both surprised and angry as well. But not at my situation; at my husband. I realized then how his expectations of "family" were fairy tale oriented. I wasn't very supportive of his feelings.

Then, our daughter was born. By then, my hubby had had it. Our little girl didn't sleep well either. By 6 mos. of age, we tried letting her cry herself to sleep, as recommended. That resulted in more than a week of 9 to 10 hours of her screaming, while I sat up crying for her! My husband said to let her cry. Let it go... Well, that's just what he did. He left soon after.

So, today, here I am, with 2 children who are my life (and thankfully a good job that supports us), never thinking I'd even have children. Life is strange that way. But I see them as a gift. I'm often tired, but I'm also thankful. Since then, X has moved away, remarried, gotten "fixed" so he can no longer help conceive, and has paid almost no child support. I got what I least expected (happily), and so did he!

This is Jennifer Cassidy's story. You can reach her at chum_princess@chugach.net.

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